The perils of Facebook

Tuesday we logged into Phil's Facebook account. There was an email from a girl he used to "mess around with". She wasn't his girlfriend, because she had a boyfriend at the time. Well she says that she contemplated contacting him for a while, but then "couldn't resist". She wanted to know how he was, what he was up to, if he was married, blah blah blah.

So, Phil asked me to type a reply back to her. It was very short. Basically we said "I got my teaching certifcation and am currently subbing. I have a great girlfriend whom I plan to marry one day soon. How are you? kids?"

Yesterday we get a NOVEL back from the girl. In which she tells Phil how in love with him she was (and still is). She berates herself for choosing her boyfriend over Phil, in fact her words were "I was in love with YOU and accepted HIS proposal, what was I thinking?". She goes on to say that she has a child, and he's the best thing she ever did. (Honestly, good for her, I was happy to see that) But then she says "I'm so glad you have a great girlfriend. I'm happy that YOU are happy at least". She says that her marriage sucks, because she hasn't been able to stop thinking of Phil, after all these years (seven to be exact). She's "not content and unhappy in her marriage". "Things have not been great lately" and she was "sorry you have to hear about it".

Then she starts asking about me. What do I do? Do we live together? How long have we been together?

Then she says she never felt like they had "closure". She asked him if she "hurt him bad" or "not at all". She says she believes he felt the same way as she did, back then, and that they had a "CONNECTION", and that she has never felt that with anyone else.

Yeah. So color me jealous. I don't LIKE it that some random chick from his past has decided to "test the waters". That's what social networking sites are though...a conduit to your past, to the times when you THOUGHT you were happier than you are now.

This in a nutshell is what we wrote back to her:

Basically, Phil said that he was sorry she was unhappy, but that what they had was way in the past, and there is no sense in going back. He said that no she didn't hurt him badly, because when he figured out she was never going to break up with her boyfriend, he already started moving on. He said she needs to direct the focus she's been giving to him, back into her marriage. He said that he and I have been together for 6 years and he's never been happier. He told her that while yes, there was a connection, it wasn't a real relationship. He said that he found a true connection with me, and that if she looks hard enough, she'll find the connection with her husband.

Pretty much we tried to spell out that he was not interested in "picking things back up".


Closure is such a selfish thing I think. I used to be BIG on closure, but it really doesn't solve anything. I think when you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you, be it friend, or lover, you pretty much have the answers you seek. For whatever reason, that person, does not want to be with you. And vice versa. That's really all you need to know. There doesn't have to be this soul searching epiphany. Move on with your life, be present in the relationship you are in. Especially if you're in a marriage.

Personally, I learned this lesson the hard way. I harbored a huge grudge against my high school boyfriend. We were supposed to get married, he gave me a ring, asked me on bended knee, yadda yadda. He joined the Army, he met his now wife there. I was hurt, and blindsided, and unaccepting of the way it was. Was he wrong to cheat? Of course. Was it meant to be with him and her? Of course. They are happy, and have 2 kids, and you know what?? 13 yrs later, I am really happy for them. I know that life worked out the way it was supposed to. I wanted "closure" for a long time. But, I eventually realized what I wanted as closure was the opportunity to yell at him for hurting me. To try to hurt him the way he hurt me. That was never going to happen. He moved on! He didn't owe me anything, and he wouldn't have cared if we did get into it. In fact, we did once. At a bar, when he first came back home, after moving with her after his service was up. She wasn't there, and they weren't married yet....and all we did was yell at each other outside. There was no resolution. No explanation. Just anger and hateful words. It could have been avoided if I had just realized that sometimes, life sucks, and you get your heart broken. What does all of this mean? It means make a clean break, and embrace the road your life is taking. Closure is only for one person in the relationship, because the other person has already moved on.

This girl, really needs to get her head out of the past, and focus on her family.
I told Phil that to me, it seems like she wanted the security her husband could give her, but wanted the excitement she found with Phil. Phil told me that their entire "relationship" lasted a couple of months, and that all they ever did was "mess around". No sex. So, it seems like she has built this huge torrid star crossed lovers affair in her mind, because she's dis-satisfied in her marriage.

I feel bad for her. If she has truly held part of herself back from her husband, because of some misguided "feelings" for Phil, then she's really fucked up her life.

She said in the email that there has not been a week, or a day when she hasn't thought about Phil, and what might have been.
I think it's normal to think about your past, and to wonder maybe where that person is today, but I don't think it's normal to constantly think about how great your life might have been. I think she probably has a pretty good life, she just can't see the forest for the trees.

I also wonder if she's suffering from some kind of post partum depression. Her child is 17 months old.

Anyway. Long, long story, but the bottom line is: Closure is for one person, because the other person has already moved on. I hope this girl moves the hell on.